New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
All generalizations are stupid.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.