Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me