*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
is this meant to deter me
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.