Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
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You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
technically true but not a great slogan
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”