oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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Mornin
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.