tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.