[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
This is always good for a laugh.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.