The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
You Might Also Like
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Yes, this is exactly right
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
X-tra spooky blend
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.