Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
i choose….tongue
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
How is it still this week?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.