waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Denise please return my vape pen
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
mom had nothing to worry about
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep