What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You Might Also Like
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song