*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Two princes?
I鈥檒l take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I haven鈥檛 received any good news lately. I鈥檓 starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew鈥檚 fall festival may have been a fraud.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Just ran into Bj枚rk walking into her hj枚tel. Lj枚king fj枚rward to her show at Pitchfj枚rk tj枚night (hj枚ly shit my Icelandic is pj毛rfect).
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I sleep better naked鈥hy can鈥檛 the flight attendant understand this?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she鈥檚 EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 馃敟
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Lady: Don鈥檛 go there it鈥檚 a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT鈥橲 A LION!
ME: I wouldn鈥檛 yell around Roarschach
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.