Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.