Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
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@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?