*pronounces surface like Versace*
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
There is no “we” in pizza
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none