Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
This anagram machine is out of order.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..