Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.