Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
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Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Not all heroes wear capes.