Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!