Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*