interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907