I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
You better watch out
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.