Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Eat…
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals