Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics