I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket