Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
found my next D&D character name
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
cats when you pet them too long:
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Taco Bell, Exit 22
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.