Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.