Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.