It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
work smarter, not harder
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!