Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”

Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.