My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.