Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
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Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.