If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy