Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these