“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.