[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Canadian owl: Eh?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.