Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
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Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
This is Sparta
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables