Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.![]()
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean