Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so thatâs a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Inventor: âŚAnd so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what youâre saying.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing itđ
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Apparently itâs inappropriate to yell out âShots, shots, shots, shotsâ while your childâs getting immunizations at the pediatricianâs office.
âĐs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?â
Đtâs called a SCRUNCHIE dad. đ
âThat is fertilizerâ -Vin Scully
I appreciate a dentist who accepts âI didnât really expect to live this longâ as the answer to why I havenât been properly taking care of my teeth.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.