The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
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Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
How to make infinite energy.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.