Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
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[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
every single time
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Squirrels before girls.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain