Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle