Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
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Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*