“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
oh my god
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁