[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
This will never not be funny to me.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?