Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
You Might Also Like
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Don’t make me out nice you.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain