When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
You Might Also Like
i did the math
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
A new level of troll.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.