I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.