Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
You Might Also Like
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.