Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!