Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
You Might Also Like
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?