my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
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a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Coffee for people with no kids
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.