I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
You Might Also Like
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.