[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.